there must be some kind of way

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there must be some kind of way

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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	2011.09.10 02.39 theres only so many ways i can be myself smoking this cigerette i want to fill up my gut with these memories of you



	2011.06.16 03.30 the light bulb in my bathroom broke right as i was going to bed and as i trespassed into that familiar yet unknown space of light switch to sink, i wondered what in my life can i do, can i conduct proficiently, without the aid of electricity? apparently i can navigate refilling my jar of water, but can i perhaps love without electricity? or express that love? thoughts to ponder.



	2011.02.24 04.03 to say that with all that is happening in the world and all that continues to happen, hopening that you and i have a few moments to ourselves is not selfish. but rather poetry and is two rather tired souls meeting on a river bank listening to music they both seemed to like. and of course you would be fooling yourself if you hadn't yet realized the -facebook as international relationship/international chalkboard of sincerity by now



	2011.02.11 03.31 i meant to write a long time ago of an overheard cell phone conversation from the bus involving an eldery man who had apparently received mail or a phone call from some buisness that claimed they could help him re-grow some of his hair if he was balding. i listened as his voice painfully discussed with whomever was on the other end of the line, that he was an eldery man, and could they really help him? "i am and eldery man, what can you offer me?" that they were in san jose which was far for him to travel to if their claims where unfounded or a scheme. that he had managed to get his hair back to its natural color from his youth- but really what where they offering him? the whole conversation was much more complex and drawn out...with perhaps it cutting out once or twice, but maybe thats now imagined. the pain in the mans voice as he questioned the other line- i can still hear it today. i sat behind him and almost wept i found it so sad. and thought that it is not death that is so terrifying, but of being old and wishing one was young again



	2010.10.01 02.52 uh eh, i took a break from school to hang out with some old zami friends which auntomatically means drinking and smoking. i feel ok with drinking back into that lifestyle because i am so comfortable with the fact the i no longher live in it...anyways,,, stopped over at bonesio to get some ciggeretes for everyone and senio count not stop talking about how good i looked/ what i was doing to be healthy. like really he kinda took it past flattery into embaresment... but it was all good and interesting. fun in the end. but i kinda just kept saying... welll i ve been healthy and i dont eat crappy food. OH, i was also good to have an - our genreration and the bp spill- at zami. i miss those peps



	2010.09.13 01.18 quite a long ramble about the most important thing thats been happening for a while So. i've considered making this post for a couple of months. Questioning if i was ready to place it somewhere so public, wondering if anyone still reads this, and if those were even the people id want to read it. I've been trying to lose weight. A month or so after my father died i decided i didn't want to have my life end in some kind of slow-death-spiral to do with complications from a heart attack or diabetes or a stroke etc. i also wanted to get healthy now, so that down the road my health wouldn't be worse for wear. i wanted to have a little preventative medicine. i started to watch what i ate. hard core calorie counter here. i lost 15 pounds. but i moved back to santa cruz and into zami; a college-loving, beer-guzzeling, black-out-inducing, drugged dirty whore of a house, and whose drama and inner politics stalled any hope i had of losing. that was last fall. the one time i check while living at zami i weight 245 pounds. i had not gained any weight nor had i lost any. i moved back home ready to get back to getting healthy. i was ready to count calories again and watch my fats and carbs. Randomly around this time my mother informed me that her book club was going to see the silicon valley reads speaker (a reading program for the year in which the community reads the same book and events are set up year round pertaining to it)- Michael Pollan and the book"In Defense of Food". i hadn' heard of him or the book, but thought i'd pick it up and try and read a bit before the coming friday discussion with him. I read the book in 3 days and was sold. We went to the free event of him speaking in cambell, only to be met by hundreds of other people who wanted to see the guy speak- i very luckily got in the door at the last second and was able to see the discussion. Since reading the book, my views on food have completely changed. In the same way a vegetarian might notice every morsel of animal product a meat-eating friend might consume, i now notice all the extravagant, heavily processed crap my friends and family eat, and just bad dietary choices. i try my best not to tell them what to eat ...sometimes this works, sometimes it dosent. like this morning when i made my family oatmeal pancakes- contemplating if i should in fact put the "High fructose corn syrup" syrup on the table or not, and finally just announced when they sat down -" i didnt put the HFCS on the table, cuz i dont want to kill you, but if you want it its in the cupboard." yeah sometimes the "my whole foods diet is righteous" mantra just spews from my mouth , i cant help it, everything adds up...esp bad shit. i also began walking nightly and exercising on a stationary bike. i know, go me!* point being. i've had a steady weight loss with a few plateaus. Traveling this summer stalled my loss again and i felt a bit behind..kinda stuck around 209. But when i weighed myself at my mothers on saturday (i weigh once a week) i was at 199.6 - a number i have been thinking about for a very long time. a number under 200. i know my weight is probably fluctuating around the 200 mark...but it was AMAZING. i feel so good. and i guess maybe i had reservations about posting my weight loss efforts here until i had some kind of success story under my belt (ha no pun intended). So that in communicating such a very personal struggle, i would already have something i had achieved to share. As it seems easier to talk about my weight as i continue to lose it, to own the situation, or take control of it. I'm just about half way to my goal of 135, but i have other big goals too. 200 was one of them. but now im alot more able and open to talk about my weight and to be honest with how it has been something of an albatross for most of my life. like people yelling at me from cars kinda shit. It's interesting because the lightest i know i have ever been in my adult life was perhaps the year i was the most happiest- a point of were i can specificly remember weighing myself -i was 177? living at san lorenzo and being a bit of a druggy. I had lost alot of weight the first year in college. Sometimes i wonder if this was because most of, (if not all of) the food i ate (minus those nights i stole some of amara's peanut butter and jelly because i was so fucking stoned...thanks meerkat) was publicly consumed in the dinning hall. if you've ever been over weight or fat, you might know if feels akward to have people, healthy-weight people, see you eat. It might sound paranoid...but its kinda that, if i eat a burger and french fries, or perhaps just alot of food...."they" will think -ahh yes that's why your fat. So yea. i ate salads alot, and to avoid the akward social interaction of finding some to share a table with, i walked straight to the patio and ate alone facing the sun. it was pretty peaceful but who am i kiding?. anyways. by sophmore year i was "skinny" - or rather just close to being "over weight" and not "obese" for my height. Then the drunken years happened. and i gained alot of weight back. I can look at lot of things from that time period and see how i gained the weight. i mean i lived a life dionysus would be fucking jealous of, and wasn't the cherrist little gal either. it didnt help that i ended up living with mr eli- i have a deep fryer shapiro and mr mick - what are we grilling tonight-benoit but i take all responsabilty for the weight i gained. and i also ignored it, ignored that being over weight and "the fat girl" had defined so much of my life and what i could and could't do and it wasnt working for me anymore. I was sick of having this be my be default position in a group of people, and not feeling beautiful...or pretty...just maybe cute. fat people can be cute....but that perhaps is the result of being somewhat disabled and pillowey... And there were (and are times) when i know ahead of time i will being doing something physical. the whole time leading up until that momment, my mind would be focusing on the activity, and dreading it. One example would be going to a beach up highway 1 to burn our chirstmas tress on new years day. we had to walk down a cliff face to the beach. the whole time i am sweating bullets in horror about being able to get back up the cliff....that hopefully ill go last and not hold everyone up and they wont notice that i cant climb it. like no joy in the event at all, like fuck this. fuck my life. i blame these feeling and pyshcological mind fucks on middle school PE. you know were i was the fat kid who couldnt run and all of my peers got to watch my failure. yeah that was fun too. but yeah. i was sick of this. And i figured out some of my issues/problem areas with food. not to go into details of my diet..but ive really been able to change my eating habbits, have REALLY opened my mind up to new things, mainly fruits and veggys and making a variety of stuff and changing my concepts of what "food" and "meals" are. Like i was raised in a very meat carbs veggys in a very 1:1:1 eat everything kinda way. (i lament the fact that my gaucamole loving friends are all scattered and i didnt think of trying something new like tomatillos salsa so fucking good). And im just about under 200, losing the weight slow and steady and healthy. And through a new "diet" thats actually just me trying to eat the healthiest i can, and not counting this or that. Like ive just simply changed how i eat for life. its definetly a slow road, but since about the end of feburary i've had this motivation and its still kicking. And i find myself turning girly again. If anyone reads this who knew me during those skinny days, the might remember that i actually was quite girly- wearing alot of skirts and button up shirts. Its nice to try a dress on a feel like i look good in it. hell its nice to try on anything thing and think - hey this looks good. But its an ability i have now that i can shop in most stores, or as i am getting closer to a size 16. Its actually a rather interesting social experiment to see what different stores consider an x-large to be, or rather how those sizes stack up againt each other- like target clothes run large and i can almost get away with a large itself. but forever 21...well its going to be a while fore i try and shop there again. H&M can be a hit or miss, norstroms i'm a xlarge. it feels really good to be able to go into these stores with the possabilty that ill find something and not only will it fit, but it will look good. i didnt have this oppurtunity when i weighed 260 pounds. And its nice to feel like women and wear clothes that makes me feel that way too. and i feel beautiful. and not just cute. recently two different guys have gone out of their way to say so. (and im not talking about my gay male friends who are contractialy obligated to say such things once a month due to the terms of are endearment) no. just a guy at the food bin, and a guy asking about the time. this is new, and might have something to do with the fact that now i can buy nice clothes and do what someone from the east coast might call "making an effort" to look nice. but i am new to this game...(and better learn quick) and its rather odd and i feel somewhat lame for just now getting to this point in my life. but im glad i figured out i need fix myself and make the changes i did. i actually got alittle said thinking about my dad on my walk tonight and how i miss him and wish he could see me in better shape. i know he feared for m health after his heart attack and warned me about diabetes, but i kinda told myself to buck up, i cant be that person crying on a walk...and i bet my dad would be really proud and tell me im beautiful. *for several several months now i walk to the same soundtrack. the first ? four sons of yeasayer's odd blood- songs that to me are about overcoming addiction (as this as all coresponded with my continuing efforts to be sober, or at least not a drunk) and the collection of passion pit songs. I'm pretty sure i will always think of michael pollan and these albums as the tools that helped me take back my life. the sweat is great.



	2010.09.01 19.26 making a list checkin it twice. im over people dressing up as storm troopers. people who give some kindove sideways peace sign pose in pictures, im way over you too. WAY over it.



	2010.08.22 15.06 life feels good. im still lost. but life feels good



	2010.08.18 18.55 i drank too much caffeine and had an argument with a friend on the day we move in together. stressed out and second guessing and feeling like all those stories of so n so animal adopting another species baby are so fucking stupid and more evidence that everything is going to shit one way or another. but i dont regret the coffee



	2010.07.19 02.37 the midnight warm cement, sweaty honey suckle and tan bark flood my middle mind into an erotic swimming pool of scents. the residual spooning of a summer-love affair between night and day. ... i had a dream that came out of nowhere- i was somewhat seduced by an older indian man. we had an illicit affair, not that either of us were married. In the end he lived in a secret veranda patio on the outskirt of a casino that i vaguely assumed (in the dream) represented my life. We were found out by some family who burst into our secret garden when they thought they had rented it for their sons bar mitzvah. WTF?. i've had one or two other dreams like this- where i feel like something has been revealed to me, that the curve ball of a dream has turned me where i stand and pointed me in a new direction- in this case, every middle aged indian man in my future will meet a questioning gaze of "do you remember our veranda". seriously it was that crazy, convincing, undying love of a dream. the tiny pyschiatrist in my mind also began to ponder if perhaps my fathers death at my somewhat young age will horribly effect my relationships. ahhh ehhh? then i wonder if the dream was just a giant ruse of my subconscious to recompartmentalize my relationship to seno, the middle aged indian man who first sold me cigarettes, and when i was legal, beer and liquor . Twas a different love that flowed between us in that small corner store



	2010.07.14 17.18 i've become someone who saves their kombucha jars, and not to keep my own kombucha home brew in...that goes in the mason jars. i'm moving back to santa cruz for the fall, taking a class. i'll be mainly surviving on the free food the food bin leaves out for such folks as myself, and the free fruits i know of around town. it will be nice to be alone, flexing my mental and physical muscles ill be scholarly and sexy. and probably even more of a hipster. me and my housemates have a safeword for when we think we should just shut up and move on when the argument at hand is dead. before then, im going to the east coast. time to reset. i've been sitting in my dads old chair imagening what tv shows he'd like to be watching for far too long.



	2010.07.09 04.14 im still wondering why youre the only one who gets to have feelings about these things i thought we had buried in the back yard long ago.



	2010.06.09 14.05 these foamy hearts are quickly melting into sad little ghost- all of the sudden im drawing venus de milo meets founding father images, with whiskey, honey combes & "lightning roots".



	2010.05.31 20.57 oh the joy the sour ammonia, toxic, slightly fishy smelling of old school polaroid film i had missed you



	2010.05.25 03.06 its called a new summer resolution. it involves books & sunlight. maybe some coffee here and there



	2010.05.22 09.30 i called you back at 1:30 and we talked for two and a half hours even though i had to get up at 8:30. when i did get to sleep, i dreamt of fighting an old foe. we thought in theme, about something and with it. we fought about alice in wonder land. even in the dream it didnt make much sense why we were fighting, how could it be when we were using alice as a stand in metaphor for everything we weren't saying. and you thought the nasty ass scorpio creature from resident evil was the perfect caterpillar, shoving a minature one in my face. suddenly im brushing a few out of my hair and my sister is there telling me "its not that bad" i wake up tearing these insects out of my hair and my last alarm going off. pancakes, strawberries, greek honey yogurt. i wish i could just fucking flush you from my mind so i was reliving our failed attempt at being friends.



	2010.05.22 00.04 oh and fuck the sharks. i have decided to whore myself out on etsy. what this means is i am going to be making very one demensional flat painted stuffed animals made out of canvas and or cotton. this might not seem like it (whoreish) to other people, but to me it screams lose and easy. in other knews, my favorite coffee joint was up to something, and instructed people to go to their stores and ask the manager about "the secret". so i rode the light rail to downtown, had coffee and said secret, ate an orange burrito* and took the bus home,, all while checking on the sharks game. i felt very san joseian. i guess i should "be proud" of how far my team got... *pretty sure i get some form of food poisoning everytime i eat here. this out ways the glory of the orange sauce at this point.



	2010.05.14 19.33 saw a hummer on the road today with license plate that read "HMRARMY" and i wonder if they, the owner, lamented the fact that they were part of a dead and dying army. practically a moment of silence.



	2010.05.03 15.01 hold the phone "oh yeas the DEATH i miss when you used to be just the death but we didn't have golden shit eggs back then" i might be living in SF this summer.



	2010.05.02 12.34 as i was drifting in to sleepytime world and maybe was insisting her face be plush up against mine, i wondered- when she dies would i consider getting a comemorative portrait tattoo, like those people do of their hysterically happy children?



	2010.04.15 00.42 taking a walk at night and i can smell the jasmine flowers are in bloom; a scent that reminds me of my childhood... reasons for which are beyond my grasp. Sometimes the crisp air, which is warming now, has a tinge of christmas to it. A fact i find odd-perhaps the junipers are in bloom as well. But mainly i smell the wafting florals of somepersons doing laundry late ar night. The air is almost damp as if i've imagined myself there in their house. Its comforting to know someone else is awake, but more and more, laundry soap is all i can smell while out and about.



	2010.04.01 23.14 eat'n popsicles and talkin a wee bit of smack about santa cruz anarchist.



	2010.03.29 01.56 silk screening circa 1:55 am. me thinks so.



	2010.03.11 03.38 an ah ha moment for a priint im working on. gotta love those ah ha moments as if your thought process was a rube goldberg* machine. also, the cat that looks like my sisters cat Dublin - actually he looks like the demonic version of dublin. imagine a low budget film about a possessed demonic cat ... most of the time they'll film a real cat for legitimacy, but when the cat turns evil, they pan to an obviously disproportionate bloated anthropomorphised animatronic cat;thats this dude. He also has a bunch of battle wounds and usually eats dublins food and fights with our cats...- well it seems like they try to get out of his way. yeah i accidentally caught him in the garage. i tried to talk to him see if the fat beast was ok. One minute hes fine and then seconds later hes growling and im bleeding in multiple places on my arm, bitch has done this before. And as we decided it might be in our or our cats best interest to take him to the pound (dun dun duh)- i read there website that basicly bitch slaps you if you ever thought of doing such a thing, cuz you know another cat will just take his place,one thats younger and stronger and ready to rape everything so that there's more feral beast kittens. wtf mate *this is a really unfortunate name to some thing so fun.Like actually using the name of said mechanical domino effect makes me sound a.pretentious b. i have gone out of my way to have an excessive vocabulary. i mean doesnt nick nak paddy whack sound more like whats going on in that new ok go video. me thinks. but i guess rube goldberg sounds cool too



	2010.02.22 01.41 topped it all off with taking a walk in the rain. pouring water streaking down my cheeks sidewalk snails and slugs dancing around my boots and im strutting my stuff to daft punk and crystal castles thinking this is going to be such a kick ass year.

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